Do you feel sometimes you don’t know how to react?
When I was younger, I was quick with my answers and sure about my feelings. I didn’t even think about their origin. Nowadays, I am getting more and more comfortable with not knowing and taking my time to respond. I ask myself:
Where all is this coming from? Is this reaction true to me, my values, my beliefs? Is it coming from the clear, authentic source of my true self, or it’s tainted with traumas, the influence of the media, my family, or my friends? Does it reflect Me, or is it about other people’s opinion of what the right reaction should be in this situation?
Sometimes our reaction is purely automatic. We want to defend ourselves, explain our decision-making process, prove ourselves to others, and show the world we are right. Sometimes it reflects a deeply embedded pattern.
By not reacting immediately, you create distance between yourself. It gives you an opportunity to connect to your true self and have more clarity about how you want to respond.
That's The power of the Pause.
Just think about it.
• Why do you need to explain yourself to this person?
• What do you want to prove?
• Is it worth the energy and time to walk them through your decision-making process? Why is it important to you?
• Did it happen before? How did you react then, and what were the consequences?
• Could it be a purposeful provocation?
This practice comes in handy at work, at home, online and basically any social interaction. Co-parenting after divorce especially gives you many opportunities to master the technique because you’ll get triggered for sure!
In the beginning, you’ll both feel like you have to call each other out on every “mistake,” like forgetting the uniform, not picking up your child on time, or not cutting their nails properly. You know each other waaay too well to know how to touch each other’s buttons.
The underlying reason is you both want to feel good about yourselves. It’s the ego that provokes fights to gain confidence and prove to be better than the opposition.
Please don’t enter the game.
It’s easier to practice when texting. That’s why I recommend doing everything in writing. I am sure your lawyer says the same. But even in text, a simple situation can quickly escalate into name-callings and a lot of unnecessary, angry typing. To avoid that, you have to train your mind.
• Read the text and pay attention to what it triggers in you. Now breathe. It’s most probably about your insecurity. You'll work on it and get your confidence back. For now, just don't let that cloud your judgment.
• Do you have to engage or even acknowledge the text?
If it’s just an angry rant with no constructive value, you can leave it at that and move on with your day.
• If it’s an urgent matter, what would be the shortest, most diplomatic way to answer?
• If it’s not urgent and you are busy, just take your time. You are not obligated to answer immediately. Get back to it at your convenience with a short, clear message without showing any emotions.
It’s challenging at first, but it gets easier, I promise.
Contact me and share your experience or if you need help when facing challenges during or after divorce.
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